Change

I guess what's started this obsession is that my seat got moved in math class. I sat all the way in the back. I wasn't supposed to sit there, but my math teacher's usually pretty cool and he let me change my seat there. Math just frustrates me so much that I need space, and there was no one on either side of me. In the classroom, there are six rows. The middle two rows are the only ones pushed together so they're touching. And that's where the teacher moved me to.
There are a few things that are okay about this. Actually, no, there's only one thing good, and that is that I'm sitting behind this girl Selby, who's just plain old amazing. She's like I am when I'm hyper, only she's that way all the time. She's so much fun. But the guy I'm sitting next to... It's not that I don't like him. It isn't. In fact, this time a year ago I would have been ecstatic. I had so much respect for him, held him up on this high pedestal, and he kinda took a nosedive off of it over the summer. So I don't exactly want to sit next to him first thing in the morning.

I'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to the fact that Bryar and I aren't what we were. I mean, he was my best friend for so long, it's really hard. Although at this very moment I'm talking to him in another window, we're not actually talking. He sent me a couple of funny links, but I'm on overload and have a very short attention span (which is why this post is taking four times as long as usual to write). But we're barely talking. I remember there was a month or two where I'd talk to him every day, and now I'm lucky to hear from him once a week. And everytime I see him wallposting with people he hasn't known as long as me, it kinda feels like a punch in the stomach. I don't know. I'm over him, that's for sure. I'm so in love with Clay I can't look at anyone else. But it still hurts that Bryar and I aren't close any more. Again. You'd think I'd be used to it, but I keep hanging on to the hope that we'll stay friends even through all this.

But there are good changes. Like Jake Meizell. Forget about my ex, this is my "brother." I've been friends with him since the beginning of the school year, and we've steadily grown closer. I can trust him. He's one of the few people who can calm me down when I'm in hysterics. Like today, when there were rumors flying around about a shootout after school and I was terrified to leave my last class and he calmed me down.

Going to bed.

Signing off in a weird mood
LeeLee

Advocacy, and Sick and Tired...Literally

*channels inner vlogbrother* This blog post comes to you in two parts. Part one: advocacy. Part two: sickness.
I feel like I failed, but oh well. Not thinking straight anyway.

Part one: advocacy. If you can, please visit http://www.kidsdonations.org/ and follow the instructions to help kids all over the world, and especially in Japan. And while I'm advocating, I might as well send you to http://www.freerice.com/ which is a free way to help end world hunger. I've been doing this for over seven years, and when I first learned about how some things like this aren't actually real, I Googled it. And trust me, it's real: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/charity/freerice.asp

Part two: sickness. I have gotten sick yet again. This is the third time in the past two months that I've gotten sick enough to stay home from school. My friend Jake is begging me to see a doctor, even threatening to send one to my house ("I know a guy" "oh, so you have people?" "yes. yes i do. and don't think i won't do it"), which, honestly, I think is crazy. The reason I'm getting sick is that I haven't been getting enough sleep, so my immune system's down and I'm catching everything that crosses my path. That's all. But anyways, I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Bonus: Easily irritable seven year old+jumprope=hilarity for her older sister

Wow It's Been a While

So a lot has happened since I last posted.

I turn sixteen today :D

I got two new pets. They're degus, which is like a mix between a chinchilla and a squirrel. Their names are Pika(chu) and Yuzuyu.

Bryar is so not happening. Long story short, right after my last post I met this amazing guy named Clay, and Bryar broke my heart yet again. Now Clay and I are going out, and have been for three weeks now. It's moving fast. But we haven't kissed, and that's good with me. It takes a while for me to trust someone enough to be able to kiss them. He's definitely something special, though. He's over here more often than not. In fact, he's moved in. It was my mom's idea. His mom and stepdad... Well, they don't give him the best living environment, and he's eighteen, so he moved out of their house and onto our couch. He keeps me sane when I nearly lose it, and he respects me. I love him.

Moxi is no longer my friend. Long story short, I'm tired of her being so jealous when good stuff happens to me, and tired of her abusing me, and tired of her having no boundaries, so I've decided I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's gotten to the point where she's started getting violent when we argue, which is all the time, and I am NOT dealing with that. And I feel bad, because I don't want to be another one of those girls who pushes away her best friend because she got a boyfriend. But I'm not being one of those girls. I'm being one of those girls who is given a new perspective and can take a step back and see how bad it's gotten. I mean, she hit me in the face because I was cuddling with my boyfriend. It was at my sweet sixteen party, around two in the morning, and I hadn't sat with him for more than five minutes all night. You've got to understand, while Clay and I don't kiss, we hug and cuddle and tickle and wrestle. I'm used to getting at least two hours of cuddle time with him every day. I was so worried about not being that gross couple and keeping everybody happy and tending to all my guests that I was barely around him. I was exhausted and he was soft and warm, and I sat with him on the couch. She called me disgusting and threw a Jenga block at me. It hit me in the face and just missed my eye. For those of you who don't think a Jenga block can hurt, think again. You get enough power behind it and it can cause some damage. The block went behind the couch. I told her to go get it. She blatantly refused. I found a reason to leave the room a little bit later and Clay followed me. We sat with my degus and he calmed me down. When we went back in, Moxi was cuddling with a friend of ours more than I had been with Clay, and they don't even like each other like that. She was just a total brat the whole time she was there, and it sucked.

My sweet sixteen was awesome. More another day. But it showed me how many real friends I have, and how I don't need the fake ones.

Anyways, I'm tired and I have school in six hours, so I should go to bed.

Signing off, tired but happy and in love,
~LeeLee~

Writing

So I got to thinking today, about how this is a blog about a writer, but I haven't really blogged about my writing yet, except for that one dragon tears story. So here's the beginning of a story I planned out and haven't actually written yet except for this.

Life has a funny way of changing in ways you'd never expect. Like, everything's going fine, you're happy with the hand you've been dealt, and then you glance down at your cards and realize you were looking at them wrong: you have a totally different set than you'd originally thought. Sometimes it's a better hand, and sometimes it's not.

It was the first day of freshman year, and already things were not going as planned. My best friend, Delilah Richardson, had not shown up. This could mean one of three things: she was sick, she forgot, or, most likely, she talked her dad out of making her go. Kitty (her nickname, as she hated her real name) and I have been best friends since first grade. She's loud, bossy, controlling, and the best friend you'll ever meet. She's insanely funny and insanely crazy. We were like two parts of the same person, and we desparately needed each other.

Lunchtime rolled around, and I was cursing Kitty. We had both choiced into the school, her for the band and me for the academics program, and I didn't really know anybody there but her. I bought my lunch and spotted a table with only one other kid at it. He had his head buried in his arms and seemed to be sleeping, so I figured it was safe to sit there. I pulled out a chair across the table and a down a bit from him and sat down.

"What part of 'leave me alone' didn't you get?" he asked without lifting his head.

"I'm- I'm sorry?" I stammered.

He sat up and looked at me. "Oh. I thought you were someone else."

"Guess I should be glad I'm not, then," I remarked.

He smiled. "Definitely. So who are you?"

"Colbie Landon. You?"

"Nikolas."

"Just Nikolas?"

"Yeah. I don't think last names are important. You're a freshman, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, welcome to Olathe High. Finding everything alright?"

"Yeah."

"Are you going to eat your lunch?"

"Oh. Yeah." I picked up my fork and stabbed a ravioli. "You're not going to buy lunch?"

He shook his head, but didn't offer any more information.

I studied him as I chewed. Normally I'd feel bad for staring at him, but he was staring right back, seeming to be doing the same thing I was. He had shaggy dark hair and eyes so blue they were startling. I felt like he was familiar, like I should know who he was, but I didn't. Maybe we'd gone to elementary school together. He had on a leather jacket with a black t-shirt underneath. He had a scar on his left cheek, starting in the corner of his eye and going down to his nostril. He had another on his neck. His hands, balled into fists and resting on the table, were also adorned.

"Clumsy kid?"

He followed my gaze and shrugged. "Something like that." He put his head back down, a sure sign of the end of our conversation.

Bryar :D (and some more good news)

You know, the one I've talked to every day now for about a month. And it's funny, it took a mental breakdown on my part before things got back to normal. Maybe it showed him I still need him, I don't know. But no matter what, it's all back to normal. We're talking on facebook or texting at least once a day. I saw him about a month ago (which was when I had my breakdown). We were doing stuff at a park. Then we went to Cici's and then back to Dave's house. He stuck by my side after the breakdown. And at Dave's, he kept doing stuff he used to last year to make me smile, and since then, it's been normal. Better, even. We'll be talking on facebook, and the conversation will die off a little, and we'll not say anything for a little bit, and then one of us will say something like "moo, I'm a sheep" and the conversation will pick up again. "Hey, isn't this easy?" ("and you've got a smile that can light up this whole town..."). Or I'll be in one of my moods where I'm restless and can think of anything to say, and he'll pick up on it right away and tell me ("you're bored" "you need sugar" "you're acting different tonight"). I feel like if we were Na'vi, he'd be saying "I see you." It feels good to have someone who knows me so well. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So now to more good news. Today marks exactly one year since I last attempted suicide. So I was in a weird mood all day. Sad and reminiscent and grateful. So much good has happened since :)

Signing off, feeling okay
~LeeLee~

Hodge Podge of Miscellaneous Information

Today, we had off from school because of torrential rain and flooding and whatnot. It was weird, never happened before. 


So, as to why I've been gone. I made a couple of friends over the summer. I don't really want to get into details, so, long story short, they both committed suicide. I'm... coping best I can. I've become closer to my friend Adam because of it, so I guess there's a silver lining to this cloud.


So. I was on Facebook today. And. I got a message from Bryar. We only talked for a few minutes. He sent me this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUCZlzj_B88 I watched it, and got confused. Because so many lines in the song can relate to us. Like "Just three seconds ago, I said something I should never say." The last time we had a real conversation before today, it ended when I told him he could always talk to me, and he responded with "Thanks, but I've got my people for that." And it really hurt. But later he texted me with "Don't touch me there." Then we had this long-butt conversation that lasted two and a half hours about stupid stuff with some heavier stuff mixed in. I never told him how much what he said hurt me, but I did let him know how much I missed the way it was last year. We traded inside jokes "are you calling me... normal?" "Do you need a toy?" (oh, if only you knew the stories behind these...), and he made fun of me as only Bryar can (and is allowed :P). And it felt nice. We're not where we used to be, but I actually think we might be friends again. 


I'm spending the night at my ex-stepdad's house for the first time tonight. I really should get up and close the window. He actually doesn't live in a house, it's a condo. And the people around here have decided the best thing to do at midnight is to scream and screech tires and omigosh they won't stop!


So, more good news... IT'S ALMOST NOVEMBER!!! I am sooooooo excited for NaNoWriMo to start. Like, beyond excited. Words cannot describe it. And the forums are all shiny and new and it's just... ahhhhh


I bought a fedora. Because I'm cool like that.

I have to pee.

No, I have not had sugar today. I spent the whole day with Moxi.

Signing off,
LeeLee

Missing Him Tonight

I had a hard time freshman year. In fact, saying it was hard is probably an understatement. I felt safe with Bryar, like if I fell backwards he'd be there to catch me. And he was. He saved me from myself twice. I would not be here today if he hadn't been at the right place at the right time with the right words. He was someone I related to, someone I could look up to. During that year, he was the closest thing I had to a brother. There were some times when we weren't very close (spring break comes to mind), but for the most part, he was there. In that point in time, that was what I needed: his friendship.

There was a time where things were real good. He was someone to talk to. He made me laugh. I actually smiled around him. I remembered how to care. I told him everything. Even if I didn't want him to know, somehow I wound up telling him. If we were both on Facebook, we were probably talking. If he saw me in the hallways, he'd lightly punch me to say hi. He'd do things in class to make me happy, actually happy. Everything was okay when I was with him. He knew my moods and he said what I needed to hear when I was upset. It seemed like it'd go on forever. In the back of my mind, however, was the reminder that he was a senior. He would graduate at the end of the year.

Somewhere along the line I changed. I started caring more what others thought of me, especially when he and his girlfriend Jenn started having serious issues. I realized that while he'd be gone at the end of the year, Jenn and her friends would not. I got it in my head that I needed to distance myself from him before they broke up so that no one would think it was because of me. When it finally happened, I realized me distancing myself just didn't work, and that I was wasting my last few weeks with him.

I made the most of those weeks, and we kept in touch for the better part of the summer. Once school started, something changed. I got touchier, and he started ticking me off more. I also started pushing more when he let on that something was wrong, which only caused him to pull away. Now we barely talk. I think about him a lot. There are certain songs I won't listen to, certain places in the library I avoid at all costs. He was my best friend for quite a bit of time, and I lost him. But I'll heal. And maybe one day I'll get on Facebook and receive the instant message I miss: "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S YOU!"

Anyways, next post will be about why it's been, what, a month? since I last posted.