Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Missing Him Tonight

I had a hard time freshman year. In fact, saying it was hard is probably an understatement. I felt safe with Bryar, like if I fell backwards he'd be there to catch me. And he was. He saved me from myself twice. I would not be here today if he hadn't been at the right place at the right time with the right words. He was someone I related to, someone I could look up to. During that year, he was the closest thing I had to a brother. There were some times when we weren't very close (spring break comes to mind), but for the most part, he was there. In that point in time, that was what I needed: his friendship.

There was a time where things were real good. He was someone to talk to. He made me laugh. I actually smiled around him. I remembered how to care. I told him everything. Even if I didn't want him to know, somehow I wound up telling him. If we were both on Facebook, we were probably talking. If he saw me in the hallways, he'd lightly punch me to say hi. He'd do things in class to make me happy, actually happy. Everything was okay when I was with him. He knew my moods and he said what I needed to hear when I was upset. It seemed like it'd go on forever. In the back of my mind, however, was the reminder that he was a senior. He would graduate at the end of the year.

Somewhere along the line I changed. I started caring more what others thought of me, especially when he and his girlfriend Jenn started having serious issues. I realized that while he'd be gone at the end of the year, Jenn and her friends would not. I got it in my head that I needed to distance myself from him before they broke up so that no one would think it was because of me. When it finally happened, I realized me distancing myself just didn't work, and that I was wasting my last few weeks with him.

I made the most of those weeks, and we kept in touch for the better part of the summer. Once school started, something changed. I got touchier, and he started ticking me off more. I also started pushing more when he let on that something was wrong, which only caused him to pull away. Now we barely talk. I think about him a lot. There are certain songs I won't listen to, certain places in the library I avoid at all costs. He was my best friend for quite a bit of time, and I lost him. But I'll heal. And maybe one day I'll get on Facebook and receive the instant message I miss: "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S YOU!"

Anyways, next post will be about why it's been, what, a month? since I last posted.