Friday, March 18, 2011


I guess what's started this obsession is that my seat got moved in math class. I sat all the way in the back. I wasn't supposed to sit there, but my math teacher's usually pretty cool and he let me change my seat there. Math just frustrates me so much that I need space, and there was no one on either side of me. In the classroom, there are six rows. The middle two rows are the only ones pushed together so they're touching. And that's where the teacher moved me to.
There are a few things that are okay about this. Actually, no, there's only one thing good, and that is that I'm sitting behind this girl Selby, who's just plain old amazing. She's like I am when I'm hyper, only she's that way all the time. She's so much fun. But the guy I'm sitting next to... It's not that I don't like him. It isn't. In fact, this time a year ago I would have been ecstatic. I had so much respect for him, held him up on this high pedestal, and he kinda took a nosedive off of it over the summer. So I don't exactly want to sit next to him first thing in the morning.

I'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to the fact that Bryar and I aren't what we were. I mean, he was my best friend for so long, it's really hard. Although at this very moment I'm talking to him in another window, we're not actually talking. He sent me a couple of funny links, but I'm on overload and have a very short attention span (which is why this post is taking four times as long as usual to write). But we're barely talking. I remember there was a month or two where I'd talk to him every day, and now I'm lucky to hear from him once a week. And everytime I see him wallposting with people he hasn't known as long as me, it kinda feels like a punch in the stomach. I don't know. I'm over him, that's for sure. I'm so in love with Clay I can't look at anyone else. But it still hurts that Bryar and I aren't close any more. Again. You'd think I'd be used to it, but I keep hanging on to the hope that we'll stay friends even through all this.

But there are good changes. Like Jake Meizell. Forget about my ex, this is my "brother." I've been friends with him since the beginning of the school year, and we've steadily grown closer. I can trust him. He's one of the few people who can calm me down when I'm in hysterics. Like today, when there were rumors flying around about a shootout after school and I was terrified to leave my last class and he calmed me down.

Going to bed.

Signing off in a weird mood

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